BLOW HARD

if you were the president of the guggenheim foundation wouldn't you take a littlegirl up on a bet for $10 that you couldn't eat an entire party tray of minature cookies? i would too. what is wrong with people?

lesson of the day: build an honorable relationship with your work. eveything else will follow. and nothing will come til then.

tip of the day: if you are planning on teaching at NYU in the fall make sure you drink an entire bottle of chardonnay before you go to the teacher-training-session.

if you are a poet named adam: make sure you always remember that the entire species of women has come from your one hard bone-- i mean rib.

YOUNG GUNS

We are pleased to present an editorial by one of our editors-at-large: Pokey Norhtridge.


One of the things that is breaking my heart is writers writing crappy pap about writing and other writers. pipe dreams, weakly constructed sentences. One of the things that is breaking my heart is that people rely on song lyrics to speak things to each other or just communicate in general: not even listening to the actual song, just noting the words as though it is fuckine plato or something. One of the things that is breaking my heart is everyday in my neighbor hood there is a new photo shoot or movie shoot going on. One of the things that is breaking my heart is the NYC tour buses with people gawking like i am part of their tour, like it is all a set. One of the things that has eluded my for decades now is jalapenos. One of the things that is hard to watch/hear/read it people using rhetorical structures that they are abusing or out of control of, it is all music and if it doesn't sound like it then scratch it and start over. One of the things that is breaking my heart is all of my loans and the bleak finacial future i struggle toward.

WANG CHUNG

LisaBot reps have been wang-chunging around NY all weekend and have managed to bring in some serious information regaurding the following:

-literary events
-celebrities
-other bolg users/writers
-pasta
-mayonaise
-the pacific northwest
-verizon wireless vs cingular

the good news:

no one can fuck with us.

the bad news:

verizon customers are getting their asses RIPPED-OFF and handed to them in a thinly veiled marketing ploy called JOIN-IN. it has dominated social circles and peer-pressure instances all over SoHO, Union Sq., and The Village. this shit is rampant people. mind your shit...

mayonaise turns into fat without even being put into the body let alone ingested.

secret identities have been revealed and we as a corporation plan on taking no prisoners.

writing someone's name on your body seems a little girl-in-junior-high-ish to our resident crush correspondent. men in their mid to late twenties need to stop romanticizing women and their relationships and their own emotions and step up the the F*CKINE plate. men in their early twenties need to stop lying about their age. it is exclusively pathetic.

calling all wannabee writers: if you write something crappy, you are still not a writer-- telling people you would like to write a novel and be a writer is NOT (WE REPEAT OUT OF NECESSITY: N O T!) writing. LisaBot INC reserve4s the right to pass harsh, unfair, and unsubstanitated judgements on writing and writers in general.

we also reserve the write to include typos and errors in all of our corporate updates-- our readers understand, and if they don't they should find something better to do than read a fuckine blog.

love ya!
Paris Hilton

TO FORGET TO FORGIVE

maybe forgiving someone of something is actually forgetting totally of them. maybe to never return things you have borrowed because it has been so long, so long that you forget that the things aren't yours, or you forget to care because you gave that up when you were mad... maybe to never return things and forget someone is the best way to forgive. it says "i forgive you-- i am fine now. i am so good in fact that i have managed to forget you all together, happily including the schenanagins that the perportraitor perportraited.

well if Dodgeball ever gets to netflix it will be by the grace of god. that's thing about pissing someone off-- make sure that they don't have your stuff when you do it. because you piss them off and they don't give a shit about you or your stuff. but you do.
life lessons... (sigh)

CARNKY

CARNKY is the term for readers who are out for critical engagement and passive aggressive comments. LisaBot Worldwide supports obscure terms even though they are beyond the understanding or our readership.

Dentists are typically Carnky...

PROOFREADER

oh fine. if everyone is going to get their panties in such a twist... fine LisaBot INC wil CONSIDER (only) getting a proofreader. But one particular consultant said that the errors were part of the charm...

carnky cranky.

Thought for a FANTAB Monday: sunless tanning is rarely a mistake as long as you remember to wash your hands after application.

JUST BECAUSE YOU STRANGLE A GAY GUY

we are pleased to publish the winning submission from our contest "HOW TO HAVE THE MOST FREAKTASTIC FRIDAY NIGHT". the following is by an up-and-coming writer in the NYC area who has asked to remain nameless until they have finished the opus that their manuscript will one day be. this is a portion. we truly hope you all enjoy!

JUST BECAUSE YOU STRANGLE A GAY GUY

the first thing you have to do to have the most freaktastic friday night is be so tired from sitting in the park all day (a couple hours spent deciding whether or not to get hustled out of a few bucks in the chess rotonda) that you can not imagine going out. then return one call. return a call to the one who calls you THE PARTY MACHINE. even though the machine has not been turned on, you sense that it is indeed low on fuel but being that it runs off of cencrifugal force/power, you know that it can indeed be put into full gear after a certain amount of banter, wine and redbull. so there you go. now the machine is running. that is step one-- the most important part of the entire equation.

now a note on the one-and-only PARTY MACHINE: the party machine is a force greater than nature. it has been said that if thunder and lightening, or a hurricane per se could drink any of the following: wine, champagne, beer, liquor, sparks, redbull, ect., that those natural disasters, in all of their dynamic force, could still not equal the reckoning power of THE PARTY MACHINE. That said.......

the next thing that you must do is put make-up and heels on while drinking. finish the bottle. have an energy drink just for good measure. now a little tipsy, pay too much to get into a club that you don't quite understand that you don't want to be there. akward-- yes. keep going. now that you are inside a sweaty BO-smelling basement dance club and the dj is spinning Kelis' MILKSHAKE into a techno song get a drink. great. drink it. now get another.

but not so fast, don't just get a drink like any other idiot in the wolrd-- you are THE PARTY MACHINE. get a double. no, of course you don't need it. but who cares. everywhere you go it is your party. make sure that the bartender doesn't give a fuck about what you are ordering and he gives you a small plastic cup full (full) of wellvodka (the enemy) and a couple cubes of ice that have probably touched the fingers of the guy who is now dancing over you (the club is actually paying him to stand on the bar) in a camoflage loin cloth. great. now take it back to the booth over-looking the ugly naked guy that is getting a massage on stage by a man in a black leather jock-strap. great. the drink is making you want to kill everyone it tastes so bad... maybe you are a bit drunk.

either way it is time to go to the bathroom. since the door says "LADIES" and you are a girl, walk past the 15 to 20 men lined up to use the restroom. at the front tell them that you are going first, you are going to pee first because you are a REAL lady. the one in the front argues. argue back. the others in the line start to heckle and agree with him. tell them they can fuck off. the man who is still arguing tries to push you out of the restroom. throw your drink in his face. then he tries to hit you. hit him. then the guys (gays) in the line start to pull you away from him. try to strangle him. all the men in the line will be pushing you out of the bathroom, some even picking you up and throwing you out. leave. leave the club and jump immediately into a cab that is passing at the exact moment you exit the GAY GAY PARTY.

now go to a neighborhood bar. drink pinot noir with the staff and dance around to songs you don't even like that much.

almost done. now when you get home after the bar has closed and you have made it through the gauntlet that is the entryway of your building, take your coat off. throw it on the floor of your room. now call someone on the phone. get down in your closet so that you are laying on top of all your shoes: clogs, heels, the works. look at your clothes curling and dangling hanging above you. make sure that your feet are sticking straight out into the rest of the room and make very sure that you look ABSOLUTELY ridiculous. it doesn't matter because no one can see.

JOHNNY KNOxVILLE

recent developements in LisaBot's public and private engagements have led to a lack of correspondence with our readership. We apologize to our mass readership and would like to make amends.

the final celebrity-sighting talley is in: !!!!!

Johnny Knoxville, SoHo
Mary-Kate Olson, SoHo
Minnie Driver, SoHo
that chick who was in Rounders and X-Men with the weird name: saw her twice- SoHo & Greenwich
Moby, Washington Sq Park
Dennis Hopper, SoHo
Taye Diggs, Union Sq
some fashion guy who i didn't recongnize but eveyone was taking his pic, SoHo outside Channel
Nicloe Ritchie, SoHo

that might be it.... ???

anyways........
LisaBot is considering moving the offices first on a mobile tour of the greater United States, then possible to a vintage resort in N. MI until Aug when the offices will return to home base in Fancey NY NY. everything is pending on our relationship with YoYoInternational...

In The Works...

there is an appt for a possible merger between LisaBot and another internet based company that shall reamin nameless, however let's just say that our head newsletter poster will have their hands in some ethnic baskets... oh the power.

In Short and Closing:
a wedding in Texas, denied Armani jeans, an affliation, a couple riciulous afflilations last weekend in midtown, three distinguished poets, two interviews, two blackouts, two screaming fights, one night of tears, more night planned of sobriety, one fanastic poem, a passport, a train ride, Central Park, and a partdridge in a pear tree.

HANALEE

after a short but necessary hiatus, LisaBot staff is back in the corporate offices and in full swing. our on-staff tennis pro recently devistated a well-know photographer and plans to keep bringing the pain. employment mergers have all but gone sour... looking looking